Thursday, March 6, 2008

Romancing the Commode, or 3 Lessons Learned

Seafood lasgna is evil. In one fail swoop, I was robbed of my pride, dignity, self respect, well being, and social life. I exxagerate - I am not a prideful person. I became the feeble excuse of a man, chained to the commode, which would become my best friend over the ensuing days. The symptons of food poisoning are unpleasant at best. That night was one of the longest nights of my life. I was suffering from a wretched gut and cold sweats. I terribly wanted and needed to sleep, but I dared not, lest the dreaded accident sneaked up and pounced. I was worn ragged by the morning. I survived the first night of battle against an ominous foe. My only casualty was one pair of underware. Under the circumstances and odds, I thought that I had faired well.

It was more than a day since I had eaten, and liquids passed through on what seemed like a shorcut through the system. Drastic circumstances called for drastic measures. I was not getting better, so I decided that my only chance was to make the dash to the pharmacy. I waited for what seemed like an oportune time, and skulked out to my minivan. When I sat down in the driver's seat, I felt a wave of comfort from the solar radiant energy coming through the window. It was soothing against the cold sweat that I was having. I reclined the seat to relax for just a few minutes. The next thing I remember I was gasping for breath as I was slowly cooking in the van. You have probably heard of the frog that does not hop out of the water if it is gradually heated. I stumbled back to my apartment in a daize. It took every once of will that I could muster to struggle up the stairs, where I collapsed and fainted on the toilet. My best friend. I did not venture out again that day. I ate some yoghurt, hoping it would soothe my stomach, but the evil forces prevailed. The second night was a close facsimile to the first, however I did get a little sleep.

I was walking with Jasmine, my faithful Norwegian Elkhound, along the beach. Suddenly an unsuspecting shamal picked up and filled the air with dust. I picked up the pace of our stroll so that we could make it back to the campsite. It became difficult to see Jasmine, then suddenly she vanished. I ran back looking for her. My only orientation was the wet sand on the beach. Visibilty was about 3 feet. I ran around in a frenzy yelling for my dog. I saw another dog and a cat, which gave me brief relief, but no Jasmine. After awhile the wind subsided and I expanded my search. I found Jasmine on the porch of a beachhouse, chewing on a dog bone while the owner of the bone looked on in sullen dismay. When it comes to food, dog etiquette is quite diverse. Then I awoke once more in a cold sweat, at once glad that I found Jasmine, but also dissapointed that it was only a dream.

The morning of day 3 was met with persisting symptoms. I concluded that once again, my only hope was to make the trek to the pharmacy. This time I did not make the mistake of being seduced by the solor energy. I got on the road immediately and drove the 3 miles to the pharmacy. I went inside and proceeded to look on the shelf for some Pepto-bismal, but could not find anything in that genre of medications. After several minutes, the pharmacist approached me and asked what I was looking for. I shared my embarrassing secret with him and he went behind the counter with the nonchalance of a medical professional, and handed me a pack of Imodium. He said take 2 tablets and you will be fine. My best friend was now the pharmacist. He said that would be 6 riyals. I looked at him funny because the amount did not seem right - 6 riyals is about a buck fifty US. He said what is the matter, and I asked if I heard him correctly and he said yes. I remember buying the same thing in the US for about $20. I checked the product info when I got home and it was the real thing, manufactured in Germany.

This is the evening of day 3 and I am feeling a little better, but still not eating food, other than yoghurt. I must be better by tomorrow because I am invited to go digging for sand roses in the sabkha. This is a classic Saudi adventure.

In retrospect over the past few days, I have learned 3 poignant lessons that I will share with you.
  1. There are dark and terrible forces lurking in Saudi Arabia, that are eager to invade the sanctity of your temple. They are microbial creatures that have evolved over millions of years, with the single purpose of infecting unsuspecting victims. Can you imagine a more dreadful adversary? There is nowhere to run. There is nowhere to hide. They are waiting for you.
  2. The US pharmaceutical industry is pillaging the country (USA). It is amazing that in this glorious information age, that a scam of this magnitude could be perpetrated on the american public, in the open. History will define this as the greatest scam of the 21 century, along with the Bush administration.
  3. Dogs always follow their noses, even in dreams.

dlt